Have you ever hid in a hole or under a rock for a long period of time? I have for two years now. I think it's time to come out and find me again. Time to stop hiding. I want to be free from the rock and the hole. I want my life back. I want to smile again and not because I have to. I am tired of hiding. Two years ago I was done with my marriage. I wanted out. I wanted a new me. And in trying to find that I just got even more lost cause I missed the old me. I cheated, I lied, I loved, and lost all at the same time and it sucks. But, the one thing I did not do was love myself. I have found you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Well, I did love but, not the way I should of loved. I was selfish and unworthy of what I had. I wanted my cake and eat it too. But, all that got me was hurting my family, friends, my kids and most importantly myself. I sometimes wonder why I did the things I did? I can't say I would take it all back if I could because then there would not of been a lesson to be learned. I knew I needed out of what I was in but I was scared. I did not want to hurt anyone not any worse than I already had anyway's ...Or should I say still hurting. We all know my situation well most do anyway's. I know I said a few months ago I was going to let it all go and, start fresh but my nerves and gut got the better half of me. My heart could not let go. I sometimes felt like I was under so much pressure from my friends and family that I just held on for dear life. I thought it would all just go away. Like I would wake up and everything would be ok. I think I know the direction I am headed in. I suppose we will have to see if it will work out. I sometimes think he is not the man I married ten years ago. I get aggravated easily by him and the way he talks to me he would of never talked to me that way before. I don't know I am at a loss its like a win loose situation. I have to at least try cause I cant look back and say to myself what if I would of tried. My life might of been different had I tried. I know I am just rambling but, there is so much running in my head. I feel like such a failure too myself my kids just to life in general. I sit and look out the window at night and just pray I can make it work. I want it to work. I am prepared too give it my all but, if it does not work I can't say I did not try. I am not going to let myself fail again at life. Cause trying a second time is not failing to me. Cause I will know I gave it my all. My thoughts are just rambling on here. I guess that's why they say when you write it helps cause you can get it all out. In the mist of all this I almost lost my rock my confidant, my best friend. We did not talk for weeks and that killed me it tore my heart into little pieces. She is my life and I would truly be lost without her. I just want to say I am sorry for being selfish I am sorry for not coming out of my hole sooner. As one of my favorite song says I am not going to live my life wasted anymore. I want to take chances and if I fail I can say hey I tried. I can look back at a life lesson learned. I love her but I have too let her go as much as it is going to hurt and tear me apart I will in time put the pieces back together. I have the five weeks to cherish it then it will be time too move on with my husband and my kids. Time to re build my relationships with my family and friends. Time to be me again.

What Do They Know

I face the world with a smile, no one knows what is hid inside.
They see only happiness, they cant see the tears I've cried.
When I am alone I hurt, because here I do it well.
In front of all the watchful eyes my heaven turns to hell.
The judge and jury awaits me, everyone has a say.
In a life that hangs suspended for yet another day.
Who are they to judge if what I have done is right or wrong?
In the end I gave him up, but inside still sing his song.
I don't know how to find the strength I thought I had.
If only I could play tough it wouldn't be so bad.
They say that life goes on and someday I'll smile again.
But, how do they know my pain without being where I've been?
I've traveled so far from home, and can't find my way back.
Somewhere along the way I must have jumped the track.
I saw him just today and his smile is still the same.
He looked at me so sweetly, but never spoke my name.
I wonder if he remembers me, It hasn't been that long.
He may have forgotten me, but I still sing his song.

Changes

Daybreak,
Once again I watch as the sun creeps over the horizon
Slowly, with a menacing fashion.
Overcome with that familiar feeling, I sigh.
It showers me with its antagonizing rays,
Portraying nothing but false pretenses.

Yet another realization...
Another eternity I prevail.
I feel the hands of despair grip tightly
How will I ever break free?
Would you deny me the air in my lungs?
In a humane sense, no.
Yet without you I have no existence
You are the air I breathe,
The blood that circulates throughout me.

Hard and fast I fall,
Back into reality's cold and barren embrace.
It welcomes with me a distanced illusion.
You've taken flight -
Off on a journey
To seek answers to the questions you behold.
Every day I witness as you soar higher and higher.
I smile -
How beautiful it is to watch you transcend.
With my head held high, a tear in my eye,
I know you will be all right.

The tear is hot and with one quick swoop
It falls...
Searing the skin beneath that only guided its way.
I wonder why.

It was meant to be this way, they say;
But they don't know -
A brush of the hand -
A stolen glance -
Overrated? Never -
Merely taken for granted.
Isn't love supposed to hurt?

Two souls connected...
The unspoken words, mutual understanding -
Why does it come and go?
The piercing of the arrow to the heart.
Appreciation is they key - the rest
A mere memory.

And so, this thing we call life, continues on...
An endless, uphill battle -
Just what are we fighting for?
Reciprocation?
It's a fallacy.

Two lives merged, heart and soul -
Torn apart by sounds and syllables.
Does the mind conceive emotion?
That oh so powerful force, ruling over, always.

Regret -
Unavoidable!
They say it helps to evolve.
Indeed, I have watched you grow -
Strong and healthy, invincible, even.
Your roots are fearless and uncontainable -
Spreading like wildfire in a desert wasteland,
But they have been detached.

No longer are you there -
My lifeline - vanished
Memories, the secrets held close in the night, come to life,
Sprung on me with undying force.
I want to escape from this grip but I can't...
Immobilized and locked by their each and every entanglement.

I call out to you -
Only to suffocate in disappointment,
The bombardment of that echo.
The hollow, empty sound of a voice,
A voice that remains unanswered...
A heart left to bleed.

Crippled with grief, I crawl -
Into the shadows.
The only sound...
The beating of my heart.
It's deafening! Make it stop -
Please, make it stop!

The sunlight -
Now permanently masked by the impending malice of the cloud
Of your mere memory.
This is not how it should have been.

I see your silhouette soaring through the skies -
You cast a glance downward
Momentarily, our eyes lock.
And then it happens...
This grieving chamber skips a beat.
Could this be real?
Could this be true?
You, this amazing creature...
Uninhibited, beautiful, up in the canvas of blue.
I cry out, with arms stretched wide.
I cannot let you forget -
There's too much in the balance!

As you approach, dizziness overwhelms -
I try to look up but am blinded.
The rays you secrete are that of pure enlightenment.
You are so close,
I can almost reach you.
No matter how I try, I can't get to you.

Sadness and frustration -
Drowning me with a fierce undertow;
Pulling me down beneath the lonely waters.

I'm alone again -
Fighting for the chance to survive;
Fighting for the chance to love again.
Again, this once content being's heart-
Beats alone...

I thrash around -
Trying to avoid the inevitable.
I'm going under...
The mystical hands are beckoning me from within.
Defeat is near.
Exhaustion is bearing the embrace.

All the while I think of you...
I call out the eternal promises we made.
I will not give up; I just can't.

The love bursting from deep within me -
Out every way it can;
The chains fall free.
The road to my heart is a passage that's clear.

The water turns warm -
The clouds part...
I smile.
It's been a long time since I have done that -
Tears of happiness almost drown me in elation.

I look up towards the sky -
You are still at a distance;
But I can feel your soul again.
I direct a wave of love so great up into the air,
Up your way...
Though the wind now picks up...
It is always in your power to grasp it.

Dream Lover

She wakes every morning with a smile
on her face.
She felt his love in her sleep.
Dreamed of his embrace.

Although she's never met his body.
His heart she does feel.
Anytime she has loved before.
Has never felt so real.

There is no explanation for it.
Not one has she yet found.
But OMG the feeling she gets when
he is around.

Although it may end tomorrow.
The memory will not fade.
For in her heart a life long friend.
She feels that she has made.

She hopes it last forever.
She prays that they do meet.
She dreams of the day her online love.
sweeps her off her feet.

Do you know how it feels
not to be able to be with the one you love?
Not to be able to look deeply into his eyes,
or hold each other tightly, and whisper in his ear?
I know that pain.
This pain which I've felt
is the most uncomfortable type of pain in the world.
The feeling of emptiness,
when the love of your life is hours away...